


Out of Place

by Stonyinspirationwriter



Category: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, stony - Fandom, superhusbands - Fandom
Genre: Asthma, Asthma attack, Body Image, Body Worship, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Engagement, Established Relationship, Identity Issues, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insecure Steve Rogers, Loss of Identity, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Tony, References to Illness, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Sacrificing Steve Rogers, Skinny Steve Rogers, Steve Angst, Steve Needs a Hug, Stony - Freeform, Superhusbands (Marvel), Unconditional Love, implied pain, tony stark is the best boyfriend ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 15:23:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5380151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stonyinspirationwriter/pseuds/Stonyinspirationwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve sacrifices himself to protect his team, but he doesn’t die. The serum lasts long enough to keep him alive but then fades, reverting Steve back to his pre-serum state. Steve once again finds himself out of place and questions his new role in The Avengers</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of Place

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt that was sent to me on Tumblr awhile back. Note that this story deals with body image and identity, so reference the tags.

Tony’s face came into view. His fiance looked crazed:blood shot eyes with deep and purple lines underneath; bedraggled hair, rumpled clothes, and a tight smile on his face.

Still disoriented from sleep, it took Steve a moment to assess where he was. He recognized the texture of the silky bed sheet under his body, the warmth of the blanket wrapped around him, and the pattern of the comforter that was currently draped over him. He was in their bed–their bedroom–but something wasn’t right.

The bed was expansive, much bigger than it had ever been. Steve felt like a child making barely a small dent in the unexplored territory of an adults’ bed. Even by stretching out his legs his feet felt miles away from reaching the foot of the bed. These weren’t his legs. They didn’t feel like his legs.

Just as the reality came flooding back, the air was sucked out of his lungs. He gasped, the want for air only further constricting his body. It was an awful, foreign, yet simultaneously familiar.

Tony placed one hand on Steve’s bony back while the other offered the inhaler. Steve shook his head. He tried to calm himself down like he used to do when he was younger; to command his lungs to fill with air. It was futile, though, because It had already become a full-blown asthma attack.

“Take it, Steve!”

As soon as the vaporized medication was released he could feel his lungs begin to open. Two more pumps and his lungs were back to their currently dysfunctional, but at least semi functional state.

Steve closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath of air.Tony’s hand was still on his back, and even though Steve’s eyes were closed, he could already picture the fear and relief that were constant dwellers in Tony’s eyes nowadays.

“I’m fine”, Steve rasps once his breathing had returned to normal. He opened his eyes, trying to concentrate on the pattern on the comforter. “I’m okay.”

*******************************************************************************************

Two torturous weeks had passed since he had been completely reverted back to his natural state: a five foot, ninety pound, scrawny asthmatic with a variety of other ailments. Nearly four weeks prior spent in comatose as the serum rigorously worked to bring him back from the brink of death.

Steve stood shirtless and cold in front of the three sided closet mirror, studying his appearance from the three different angles. He’d never forgotten how it felt to not only physically be small, but to actually feel small. To see that Past Steve staring back at him was like seeing an apparition–a person that no longer existed. It was like seeing the ghost from Christmases past, but then, where was his lesson?

Modern medicine was a huge help for his ailments, but they none the less still existed and caused discomfort. His allergies. His crooked spine. His asthma. His color blindness. The difficulty wasn’t just in having to readjust to living like this after being in perfect condition for so long, but in the feeling that he was forced to carry out an endless charade. He was no longer that person. That person was a naive, idealistic child. Steve had survived horrors that his past self couldn’t imagine. His ideals had shifted, his point of view warped. Wearing his old self’s skin was now like wearing a sweater too small and too tight to fit but still trying to force it on, anyway.

There was no longer a place for that Steve–but there was no longer any place for who he thought he was either. The Captain America Steve, the Steve that was engaged to Tony, had died and left this person behind.. A Steve not from his past, but neither from the present. So if all parts of him were dead, then what was left of him? Who was he?

Steve would die a thousand times over for his team; his little family of vagabonds and misfits. He had been prepared to die just like he had been when he crashed the plane into the icy water.Just like with the plane, there hadn’t been any time for the slightest hesitation.He knew what the outcome would be, but giving up his life was a small price to pay for all of theirs. But just like the first time, he had survived, and once again everything had changed.

Tony, the entire team, tried to treat him as though nothing had changed, but Steve could feel the power shift. He was no longer their Captain, not really. How could he be when he could no longer fight beside them on the field? He could no longer be there to protect him. He was helpless. He would only get in their way.

Bucky was the only person that he truly felt comfortable with in this state. Bucky knew him like this–had been his best friend when this was his norm, and had remained his best friend even after the serum. Back when the two of them had barely formed The Howling Commandos, and shortly after Steve had rescued Bucky and his infantry, Bucky had made it clear that despite Steve’s size or his title, he’d always see that skinny-punk, best friend of his. And despise everything that had happened to Bucky, those words remained true.

Tony on the other hand, seemed relieved that Steve could no longer put himself in danger. He did almost die, after all. He surely would have if the serum hadn’t been in his system during the attack.

Steve detested the fact that Tony was getting even lesser sleep than usual all because of him. His coughing and wheezing kept Tony up the entire night with worry like a concerned parent.

During Steve’s recovery, Tony dotted on him to the point of insanity, and as a result Steve had regrettably snapped at him for it, which had then turned into an argument that made Steve feel like an ungrateful prick. Tony had spent four weeks at his bedside, blaming himself, wishing he could switch places with him, unsure if he would pull through. If their roles had been reversed, Steve wouldn’t even know how to live with that, and would probably being doing the same thing, if not worse.

Steve could never forget the look in Tony’s eyes the moment the realization of what Steve was about to do had dawned on him only seconds after Steve himself had decided. They knew each other inside out, and knowing Tony as well as he did, Steve had just barely managed to beat his beloved genius to the decision. There had been no time for goodbyes. No confession of love. No dramatic pause. His self-sacrifice would have been the ultimate expression of his love for his team. For Tony. Keeping that in mind, Steve had since then become more empathetic, and Tony now attempted to reel in his concern—he was bad at it, but at least he made the effort.

Even now as Steve closed his eyes he remembers the excruciating pain that had set his body ablaze. He could still hear his own agonizing screams that had been ripped from the core of his being, and had continued to press on even after his throat was raw and his vocal cords threatened to snap. He remembers wishing that death would finally come to end his suffering.

Two warm arms wrap around his waist from behind, and when he opens his eyes he seesTony’s reflection, standing significantly taller.

"You’re cold", Tony says, running his warm hands over the goosebumps that had appeared on his skin. Becoming self conscious, Steve attempted to cover himself with crossed arms. “No”, Tony says, forcing his arms apart. He ran his fingers over Steve’s scrawny body, bending his head to press hot kisses down his spine. Steve closed his eyes, making an honest effort to push everything else aside and simply focus on the sensation of Tony’s lips and hands on his skin. Then Tony's fingers began to dip below the waist band of his pants, which caused him to abruptly open his eyes and catch sight of their reflections.

“Don’t.” Steve says, pushing Tony’s hands away.

‘What’s the matter?” Tony asks, his brow furrowed in concern.

Steve said nothing as he continued to silently watch their reflections. Then Tony’s large brown eyes gleamed with realization, and Tony made a sound of acknowledgement. Steve lowered his eyes in order to avoid his gaze, although he could still feel the weight of his eyes on the back of his head, and in the reflection in front of him. “How could…..?” Tony started. “Do you really think I care about that?” He asked, affronted by the thought. “You seriously think I only loved you for your body?”

“Tony”, Steve sighed his name, suddenly feeling too tired to even attempt an explanation. Stepping away so he no longer felt boxed in, he grabbed the first shirt in his line of vision: a pale blue plain shirt that was a size small and still too loose on his body.”You wont understand.”

Tony blocked his path. “ No, I don’t think you understand”, Tony challenges. “You almost died, Steve. You standing here in front of me is a fucking miracle. And before you stupidly ask, yes I still want to marry you. Then out of insecurity, he adds, “If you still want to, I mean.”

Steve stared up at him, his azure eyes searching for something in Tony’s face. He shook his head in disbelief. “What did I do to deserve you”, Steve says in a quiet, raspy whisper.

Tony’s lips caught his–he had to bend– and they kissed each other as though they were two drowning men that were now able to take in their first few breaths of air, and it was glorious and impossible to get enough. Tony’s hand roamed over his body, and Steve allowed him to, but Tony’s fingers once again found their way to the waist band of Steve’s underwear. Despite his arousal, Steve held Tony’s hand in place before his fingers could slide any further, but he didn’t remove his hand all together.

“Wait. “The–” Steve paused, embarrassment ceasing his tongue and reddening his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “The serum….it had altered every part of my body….”

“Don’t care”, Tony dismissed, flushed from kissing.”Let me take care of you tonight. Ok?”

Steve nods. They continue to kiss and Steve doesn’t stop Tony’s hand this time. An involuntary sigh escapes his lips as Tony’s fingers lightly grasp their target, and they go to work until Steve’s legs start to buckle beneath him. Hie makes a noise of protest when Tony’s fingers leave him in order to remove his belt, which was barely holding up the pants in the first place; too large and too long for his body. He lets Tony strip him bare and doesn’t make a fuss like he normally would when Tony man-handles him, lifting him up and carrying him to their bed. “ Let me know if you need to stop”, Tony murmurs. “I’ll go slow.”

“Not too slow.” Steve says.

*******************************************************************************************

The serum had affected all of his nerve endings, making him extra sensitive to touch but also made pain durable. Or maybe it was just because before, with all of his health problems, he hadn’t been able to experience the world as vividly as everyone else. Suddenly the colors in his world were brighter, the air clearer, his sense of touch and hearing much more sensitive to the environment. Having sex with Tony had always been a euphoric experience that left him simultaneously raw, and content, and dizzy. This time it was different though, but not in the way he thought it would be. It was a good different

Steve allowed himself to surrender completely; his body pliant, responding to Tony’s with an equally matched desperation that neither could contain. His toes curled, his insides rose and melted, his body easily trembled. He gave every part of himself and Tony took until Steve’s body gave and he collapsed onto the sheets.

Steve lies in bed beside Tony, his body completely spent. The both of them laid out on their backs, staring up at the ceiling, silent except for their labored breathing.

“You ok?” Tony asks.

“Yeah”, Steve rasps, a dazed expression on his face among the exhaustion. Tony smiles. He takes Steve into his arms and Steve lies his head on the glowing blue arc reactor on Tony’s broad chest; content just being as close to Tony’s heart as possible, although the reactor wasn’t necessarily a comfortable place.

“Do you think this is permanent?” Steve asks without preamble, pulling Tony’s conscious back just as soon as he was starting to drift off to sleep.

“Hmmm?”

“Me. Like this.”

Tony opens his eyes, suddenly seeming distraught. “Did you not… Was I–?”

“No”, Steve quickly says. “I enjoyed it. Very much so”, he reassures him. “It’s not about that.”

Tony was quiet for a moment. Then he asks,”Would it be so bad?”

“I… “ Steve found himself unable to answer.

“Reed and I are working on it”, Tony murmurs, eyes on an imaginary point of focus.” We’re reading through Hydra’s documents—the surviving ones– trying to paste the pieces together, trying to figure out how they were able to replicate the serum, and how Barnes’ body originally reacted to it once. Steve’s muscles tense with anger at the thought of what his best friend had endured. “It’s risky, though”, Tony continues on. “Any error, any difference… Well, you already know where I stand on this.”

They stayed quiet for a long while before Steve was finally able to form his abstract thoughts into words as delicately as possible. “I want to feel useful. I want to be there for my team. I want to be beside you. How am I able to do any of that like this?”

“You’re still useful to this team,” Tony insists. “You may no longer be on the battlefield, but you’re still Cap. You can still lead from here. Steve scowls at the thought of himself sitting at a desk, an earpiece in one ear as he stupidly stares at video feed. “Hey”, Tony calls, forcing Steve to look at him. “What happened to that skinny kid from Brooklyn that never backed down? That kept pushing himself to keep going even when the odds were against him. I looked up to that guy when I was a kid just as much as I looked up to Captain America.”

“I don’t know”, Steve honestly answers, a contemplative expression on his face. “I really don’t know who came out of the ice. Or who woke up from that coma this second time around.”

“I can lose Captain America”, Tony says. “Fuck his Spangled-Ass!” Steve puffs out a little laugh, rolling his eyes. Then Tony’s breathing changes, and his eyes water as he attempts to hold back tears. He swallows.” But I can’t lose you…” A tear slips from his eye and trails down his cheek.Tony’s voice is as light as air. Steve wouldn’t have heard if Tony hadn’t been this close to his hear.

Steve took his hand, refraining from looking up at his face.” Like wise, Shell-head”, he affectionately says, bringing Tony’s hand to his lips. No matter how many times they’ve shed tears together over the years, neither of them were comfortable with anyone watching them cry, which is why whenever either of them cried in front of the other, they’d usually turn away or bury their face into the other’s shirt. So out of respect Steve refrained from looking him in the eye until he settled; patiently caressing Tony’s hand with his thumb.

“Well’, Steve sighs heavily. “Someone is gonna have to watch yours and Bucky’s reckless asses.” Steve says, a wry smile on his face. Tony snorts, and Steve looks up at his face. His eyes were still red but there were no longer any tears.

“Hypocrite”, Tony declares.”You’ve completely lost all privilege of ever saying that.” Despite his aching body, Steve stretches up to place an apologetic kiss on Tony’s lips before immediately plopping back down on his chest. They laugh.

The anxiety that had taken up residence in his mind, loud and demanding attention, now seemed like a tiny whisper in the wind because Tony was there, caressing his skin and holding Steve against his warm body.

 

_He could deal with this._

_They’d deal with this._

_And as long as he had Tony he could deal with anything._


End file.
